To-mah-toes

Yeah all day I've been thinking about my tomato plants sitting in the backyard. After excessive research and several trips to 3 disappointing and 1 great nursery, I have two plants waiting for me to come home with some dirt to plant them in their attractive and spacious containers. My reputation for having a black thumb has come after years and years of herbicide (or whatever the fancy name is for killing green things). It's one of the things that seems to set me apart from the rest of my family. I'm the only left handed person in my immediate family and I'm the one Mom used to give plants when all she really wanted was the pot back for something else. I don't know if the two characteristics are linked, but it seems the most obvious.

In any case I have managed to keep three houseplants alive and mostly happy for atleast 3 years now. Last Autumn I managed to get a bunch of farmers' market basil to stay alive for over 2 months. If I had left my roommates with orders to keep the glass filled with water it might still be alive today! So with this encouragement, I am going forth with hopes of yummy tomatoes all summer long.

Whatcha got growin' in your garden?

Memorial Day

Wow, I can't believe how fast this year has just flown by. I was down in Southern California visiting Cat and taking advantage of a luxurious three day weekend. It was fun even though it wasn't as sunny as most people might think. We shopped, saw a movie, had a retail therapy session or two and mostly relaxed. I was able to take advantage of the long drive (without too much traffic I might add) to reflect a bit upon what had come before.

It was just over a year ago, I was packing up my life and stuffing it into two 7x7 containers sitting in the driveway. I'm amazed that I was as together as I appeared given the general mess that I was in at that time. The ex had moved out on Saturday while I met with the couple I was to be house-sitting for on the next block. I got back and organized things and moved box after box from the top floor of the house down to the main level. The next day Cat came to help me pack things up in a way that makes me wish that everyone could have a Virgo like her in their lives.

I still remember about halfway though the packing, I was carrying things out the back door down to the driveway and in my mind had determined that there was no way all of my stuff was going to fit. As I walked back into the house, I eyed my remaining belongings to determine who wasn't going to be going with me and how I was going to get rid of them. Cat reassured me that it would all fit and it did. Amazingly we crammed those suckers full. I remember stifling a laugh as the guy from the storage place had to put down the extra supports on the little forklift they use to get the containers on the flatbed truck. My boxes were that heavy. He smiled as I joked about him being careful with my brick collection. Yeah, he'd probably heard that before.

Aside from the packing there was the added bonus of taking Cat out for her first pupusas at El Zocalo and a long soak at Osento. I ended up having extra time at the house since the house-sitting job was delayed as they dealt with a few last minute problems. This delayed me getting my critical stuff out of the house and over to the new place in time to clean the house with my ex.

By the way, this is a bad idea. Really of the worst kind. Nothing good will come of it and you are far better off spending good money that you probably can't afford to pay someone to come and clean the house.

So as you may have already surmised, we had the worst fight of our relationship. A bitter, nasty fight. We had a minor point of resolution and sad agreement that neither of us wanted it to end like this. Aside from tying up a few loose ends I didn't speak to her for about a year. And the worst part was - no makeup sex. There was no making up. Nope, just me and the damn inflatabed that I kept having to bring out to the car to re-inflate every couple of weeks because I bought the bed with the car adapter, not the AC adapter.

But that all happened so long ago. In my head things are so much different. I know Memorial Day is all about remembering and not forgetting what came before. Sure they really mean soldiers fighting the good fight. But in our own ways aren't we also soldiers? We have our causes, our orders, things we do out of honor and pride. Things don't always come out like we'd wish and in any conflict there is always loss. What we take away from it is our lesson and our history. Do we learn from it and move on trying to do better next time? I sure hope so.

Change is good

I have descended into the latest form of geekitude. Yep, I finally went and loaded Movable Type onto the domain that I acquired last Fall and with a minimal amount of fuss I got the system loaded up. I've been porting over old entries from diary-x. It was very good to me for the last year or so. A simple place for me to dump my thoughts out for free. If you are thinking about doing something like this, I can highly recommend the site. In addition to simple easy to use journaling, it also allows you to lock your journal if you decide that you are a little too shy to bare it all to anyone that stumbles across your site.

In reality, very few people will notice unless you are a train-wreck of a person. Everyone loves a good train wreck. Interestingly enough many of the people who read this either know me already (you're the reason I'm writing here, why don't you ever write or call me damn it!?) or somehow wandered over as a result of meeting me at Journalcon 2002 (hey nice to see you still hanging around). I'm debating about going to Journalcon 2003. For one, it's not in my home town so I'd have to travel to Austin, TX this year. I am still mulling it over, because it would be fun to see people again. Plus I always seem to get the urge to write more here. So send encouragement.

Don't be surprised if things keep changing here. I'm tweaking this and that as I go along. It'll be like a bunch of little surprises. I especially like the fact that I control the notify list and while Notfylist.com has been good about keeping things advertisement free, how long could that last? All you notify list people will be ported over 'specially. If you've been wondering what you've been missing, go and sign up now. I send you a message whenever I manage to write something and I have no idea why some of you haven't gotten on board. It's not like I'm a stat slut looking for page hits (hmm that sounds a little kinky) and you could be doing other things like buying books for Oakland (I'm so *not* going to turn in my Oakland Library card now knowing all the great books I can get at a bunch of the branches. I have no idea how Piedmont is going to cram all those new books into their tiny little building. )

Okay enough nagging, do what you want, I'm already accustomed to your stubbornness. Sheesh!

A May Day

I’ve spent the past few days with my mom (and dad too). While I’ve been busy doing various things, most of it is spending time with Mom. For those of you wondering, she’s doing fine and in good spirits. I’ve been doing my best fattening her up a bit before she begins her first round of chemotherapy. She’s been busy doing normal things; getting plants out of the house for Spring, un-childproofing the house after all the grandkids came to visit the last few weeks, cleaning and straightening things up and doing things to increase her endurance. She is back to her daily walks and working a little. Luckily for me she’s been slowed down by her post-op recovery so that I can keep up with her daily walks in the Donald M. Kendall Sculpture Gardens at Pepsico.

I’ve been helping her by carrying stuff she can’t (or shouldn’t) carry yet, being her lilac-gathering cohort (much tougher than it sounds, really!), finishing the necklace I was supposed to send her for her birthday last February, messing up her cable reception when Bill and I put in her air conditioner and the subsequent and accidental correction of aforementioned reception. The biggest task I’ve completed to date was hooking up the receiver my brother sent her for mother’s day. I will use this forum to bitch about the dust I battled, the nasty sticky wires I cleaned and ended up splicing and running through her behemoth entertainment center. Because I have every intention of not going back there for a while (yeah Mom, no home entertainment from me this year) I dusted and tidied up the place when I was done. Yep, I even picked up those little bits of wire insulation when I stripped and spliced the right speaker wires that some woodland creature gnawed through. (Could have been a mouse, but it might have been the squirrel that got trapped in the house when Mom and Dad were on vacation last year).

In any case, Mom has music in the house again that doesn’t require the exclusive use of a clock radio, two working speakers in both the living room and kitchen and FM *and*AM reception. The AM reception is important because the folks listen to 710 WOR religiously on Sunday mornings. Of particular note was Ralph Snodsmith of the Garden Hotline. I actually listened to it for a good portion on the 2 hour program and found it interesting. Unfortunately I don’t know how much use it will be for me, since my black thumb gets me into a lot of trouble, I will attempt to grow a tomato plant or two if I can find an interesting determined growth plant. (Doesn’t that sound almost impressive?) The other place the AM radio is used is in the car. Seems Dad doesn’t really like Mom’s music (Pink Floyd, Creed, Poe, Smashing Pumpkins - you get the idea) and Mom hates Dad’s music (classic country) so talk radio is a safe and marriage-preserving option.

I’ve had all sorts of journal thoughts running through my head. I’ve noticed that things here have changed to the point that I don’t recognize some places anymore. I’ve also noticed that other things haven’t changed one bit. It’s like it was frozen in time while the rest of us moved on. I want to go back and photograph things that seem very much like home and very much not like California. If I do, I’ll post some here.

I’ve noticed that my life often seems extraordinarily boring. Not that it seems that way to me most of the time. I fill my days with going to work, to the gym, running basic errands, keeping touch with friends and occasionally doing something interesting. But even that ‘something interesting’ ends up being something like going to the movies, discovering a new neat place to hang out or dine out. Most of the interesting things I talk about are interesting things that happen to other people. Oddly I’m not at all upset about this. It is mildly distressing when I feel the need to come up with an interesting journal entry. But don’t worry that I’m losing sleep over it. I’m not.

The one thing that hangs as the most important thing that I’ve done this week is just listen. This can be a challenging thing as anyone who has spent time with me and tried to get a word in edgewise knows. While I would hope it was helpful for Mom, I can say it was good for me because the main reason why I flew 3000 miles was to hear about what was on her mind. And that’s what I got.

Tell me what’s going on with you.

Knowing the Unknown

Big things have been happening in my life of late that challenge the idea of knowing or dealing with the unknown. The biggest one is that my mother has cancer. Ovarian cancer. I learned this a few weeks ago and after spending a day or so in a complete state of denial, I realized that not only is it real but it is happening to my mom. Since there were so many unknowns it was especially hard to wrap my mind around what this news really meant. After a week of this, she went in for surgery for the debulking procedure, the first step of her treatment. It seemed to go well and next week is her first appointment with her Oncologist to decide on the next step. I’ll be going home next weekend and hope that the not knowing will diminish through the week. I talk to mom regularly and she seems to be in good spirits. It helps with the worrying, but not enough. There are still too many questions that no one can answer. The combination of worry, fear, frustration is powerful. I knew that I’d have to deal with something like this some day; I just didn’t realize it would be happening so soon.

I figured that keeping up with the bad economy and keeping my job would be my biggest worry. So the news above has cut the additional worry that I may get laid off or “bumped” from my position. I really do like what I do. It’s still managing a computer help desk, something I’ve done for the past 9 years. I enjoy the people I support and the people I work with in my department. It’s not a high stress environment but we still have lots to do. I can put in a 40 hour work week and know that I’m doing good work that people appreciate and that makes a difference to my customers so that they can support their clients better. Sounds good, eh? Well the budget needs to be balanced and being a civil servant, that means that new people with less seniority are at risk if they end up reducing the deficit with our positions. The unknown comes in now. Our union contracts are up for negotiation. How bad the budget is might be exaggerated to get the unions to take less at the bargaining table. Or if it is really as bad as they say, I might get bumped by someone in my classification who has more seniority than I, even if they don’t have the skills to do my job. Or I might have to supervise someone who bumps one of my staff. (Really the least of my problems but a potential headache of the worst type – the type that lasts until that person retires.) How all this happens is decided by a complicated set of rules.

And as you might imagine I got both sets of bad news at around the same time. I’m fairly resigned about my job. There is only so much I can do. I have gone back to living as if I’m already unemployed in an effort to build up a little bit of a nest egg. In a moment of panic I started scanning the job boards, but soon realized that’s just adding fuel to the fire. My boss has been especially good about telling us what is happening and how we might be affected. While it’s lousy news to deliver, it’s good that we are talking about it openly. The rumor mill can demoralize anyone with the bad news, so I appreciate the effort he is making to stay on top of things as best he can.

I’ve been talking about this stuff a lot to various friends and family which help me more that I would have thought. One friend told me I seemed especially stoic considering the news. I assured her that it was just that I had reached a state of acceptance, realizing that I can’t possibly know the unknown and to get all crazy about it would make me crazy. Once I get past my most obvious issues, I found that things were going pretty well for me. I can deal with the job, I’ve been through worse and I have a better support network now than I did a year or two ago. I will do the best I can getting through my mom’s cancer. I plan on being as supportive as I can for her and know that I’ve got a great support behind me so that no one gets to go through this alone.

How are things going for you? Can I send you a hug?

Fine art of solo movie viewing

Last Saturday, I was troubled by a few things and was finding it hard to focus on anything. Ordinarily I might have found a close friend to spend some time with, but wasn’t feeling particularly talkative, so I decided that the best thing to do was escape to the movies. It was perfect movie weather, a grey rainy day, so I went to a local theatre and found something to see.

I’ve noticed that some people have a hard time going to the movies by themselves. This seems to fall into a self-conscious category that keeps those same people from feeling comfortable changing in a locker room. I know it can be tough, but it’s worth working past this.

So back to the theatre, it really doesn’t matter what you see. The only rule is that you have to pick something that you want to see. Yes, since you are seeing the movie by yourself, you don’t have to negotiate which movie you get to see. Or if there is a movie you saw once and just have to see again, here is your opportunity to do so without anyone else busting your chops about wanting to see that stupid movie twice. I should also mention that you can get whatever snacks you want. Popcorn with butter or without, candy no one likes but you, or if you are feeling particularly decadent, go and sneak in food from outside. My mom, a big movie watcher would drive other people crazy when she would sneak in chicken wings from Roy Rodgers. In the days before you could get a meal at the movies, bringing in fast food, Chinese food or if you are really good, pizza was great. You get to eat what you want and while throwing off the other patrons trying to figure out what that great smell is.

Okay, so you’ve picked your movie and you’ve gotten your snacks. Now you get to pick the seat you want. If it happens to be a full theater, there are always single seats available without having to sit in the first two rows. Once you get comfortable you might have enough time to get in some people watching. Without a companion to distract you, you can listen to all the conversations around you without distractions. It’s like the pre-show entertainment.

At some point the lights will go down. When the movie sucks you in you can just go with the flow. No one is going to talk to you or nudge you to pass the Jujube’s and distract you from the dialogue. And after the movie is over as you make your way home, you can think about the movie, the characters without having someone distract you with questions about running errands or what to do next.

Sure, sure, there are equally strong arguments for going to the movies with someone but there is nothing that beats this special sort of escapist treat than going to the movies by yourself.

What’s your favorite thing to do by yourself?

Power of Thought and Roller Coaster Rides

Have you ever thought about something and had that thought manifest itself into something real and tangible in your life? Sure it sounds flaky, but it’s amazing to think (even if it’s just for a moment) that you created it by the power of thought.

So what was I thinking about? I had been thinking about how life is like a roller coaster ride. It’s got ups and downs that are both exciting and scary at the same time. Where things happen so fast that you can barely react or so slow the anticipation is driving you crazy. The other night I was driving home after getting my haircut. The wind was blowing hard and there was a slight nip in the air. It was only 7ish but the sky was really dark as I started up the hill where I live. The fog and clouds, in contrast, were crisp and white reflecting the lights from below. And they were blowing by so fast I thought that I was in some surreal time-lapse movie. I was at the top of my street at this point and found myself looking at the views of downtown to the north and the valley to the west. It was like being at the first crest of a roller coaster ride. So I decided to keep driving going down the steep decline in front, then a quick turn to the right and a short dip before rising again.

There weren’t a whole lot of cars out so I drove around for a little longer pausing at each crest and thinking how cool it would be to design roller coaster rides on the streets of San Francisco. I enjoy how going over a steep crest and down the hill below still catches in my throat. Finding the right combinations of ups and downs and turns would be cool, especially since they would also have some nice views.

I remembered when I first moved here, I thought the hills were fun and took advantage of my Mom’s fear of heights, seeking out the steepest grades, as we explored this new city. Eventually I started fretting over the hills and how I was overworking my clutch (and clutch leg). I thought to find the routes that were less hilly and safer.

A lot of things have happened since I first moved here. You can’t really avoid the roller coaster effect in your life. It’s going to happen no matter how safe you play things, so perhaps it makes sense to try to have a little fun along the way.

What sort of amusement park ride does your life most resemble?